Bisexuality: More Choices?ro;”or Compounding Confusion?
Not too long ago, I had a dream that I was getting married. The groom was my on-and-off boyfriend of five years, and the wedding was at an unfamiliar outdoor setting. I was wearing an über-femme fairy-tale princess dress-totally not my style. The wedding seems very last minute, yet well planned, though I had very little to do with it.
A few feet beyond where we were supposed to stand there was a short wire fence, with barbed wire on top and pink roses weaved through the barbed wire. Everything happened rather quickly, and just before I'm supposed to say "I do," I have an out-of-dream body experience and watch myself faint. When I revive, I return to my body and announce to the guests, "I can't do this. This isn't me." Suddenly I see myself dressed in a man's vintage suit. I think: Maybe I can do it like this. I swagger like a guy up to my groom, turn to the guests and say, "Do you know I'm bisexual? Do you know what that means?"
This is not the first wedding-anxiety dream I have had. But it is the first wedding dream that directly acknowledges my bisexual identity. So what does it mean to be bisexual? I did not answer the question in my dream, but to me, bisexuality is a paradox: Neither straight nor gay, I float between the sexes. It is about openness, but unfortunately, that openness often leads to confusion and frustration.
However, the confusion is not about orientation. Like most bisexuals, I don't wonder if I'm gay or straight. I know I can sleep with and love both men and women. The confusion lies in whether or not a bisexual woman can find a lover, male or female, who completely accepts her bisexuality.
One of the reasons for the confusion is that there is no single definition of bisexuality. Every bisexual is attracted to both sexes, but some may lean more toward women while others lean more toward men. Bisexuality can be a pathway to coming out as gay. Conversely, a woman can identify as a lesbian and then later realize that she is also attracted to men. Bisexual women are not to be confused with bi-curious or "bisexual" straight women, who may be attracted to women, may occasionally kiss or sleep with a woman, but see themselves as heterosexual and rarely or never actually date women.
Are you confused yet? There are plenty of myths and stereotypes about bisexuality. Both straight and gay people often assume that bisexuals are sexually confused, promiscuous, and therefore will never commit to one person. Many people believe that bisexuality doesn't even exist. A recent study concluded that bi-men don't exist because the men in the study who identified as bi didn't exhibit arousal to images of lesbian sex. (This study has been heavily criticized for its skewed methodology.) What is even more disturbing is that Dr. Joy Browne reportedly told a female caller who had been dating men but had fallen for a woman that she had to choose whether she was gay or straight, that bisexuality is a crock and that she should see a therapist. And Dr. Ruth said in a column, "There is really no such thing as being bisexual. Everyone is either straight or gay."
Out of the Closet
No wonder bisexuals are having such a hard time. Despite all these discriminating claims, bisexuality is becoming more and more apparent in the media-many cable TV shows have bisexual female characters (Samantha in Sex and the City, Alice in The L Word), and even primetime shows have toyed with some characters' bisexual leanings, for example Karen on Will and Grace. Many female celebrities have openly admitted their attraction to women (Drew Barrymore, Angelina Jolie, Lisa Marie Presley, Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell) yet, with the exception of Angelina Jolie, none of these women have actually dated women. And there is of course the overly publicized kiss between Madonna and Britney, a prime example of how bisexuality is exploited for marketing purposes, shock value, and viewer titillation. (Not to mention that ridiculous Russian duo Tatu.)
Titillation can be an obstacle as well as an advantage for bisexual women. One very hetero male friend of mine has often made suggestive comments about my bisexual roommate Zoie and me. Although she and I have a sexual history, we are friends, not lovers. A comment or two is harmless and may be amusing, but a string of suggestions assuming that at any moment we will ravish each other, just because we both are attracted to women, can get annoying after a while.
Joanna Marzullo, who facilitates the local social discussion group "Bisexual Women," invariably experiences either a strongly positive or negative reaction when she tells men she's bisexual. "Some guys think they'll be included," she said. "The typical pathway to a threesome is your girlfriend's bisexuality." If the guy's not turned on, he feels threatened. "They think they're not enough or that they'll lose me to a woman," Marzullo said. Either way, "They fixate on what it means to them instead of what it means to me."
Several men have told me that I am sexually intimidating. An ex-boyfriend even said to me, "I'm in love with you, but I'm also afraid of you." Once I asked two hetero guy friends if they would consider seriously dating a bisexual woman. They both said something like, "No way. It's too complicated. They have too many emotional issues." The guy who was more of an acquaintance said that he casually dated a few bi-women, and not one knew what she wanted. At least, that was his perception. Maybe they just didn't know if they wanted to be with him.
Zoie also has faced strange reactions from men. She is always upfront about her bisexuality when dating, and one guy said, "A guy would have a lot to worry about with you."
It doesn't get much easier with lesbians. My recent lesbian lover said to me, "I never thought I would date a bisexual woman." She dated me anyway, even though she doesn't understand bisexuality and even went so far as to say that "it doesn't make sense."
Tamara, another bisexual New Yorker, told me that almost all the discrimination she experienced as bi has been in lesbian communities. "Lesbians who have dated me have broken up with me immediately upon discovering my bisexual orientation or past history that I dated men. Since I have come out as bisexual, I no longer date lesbians, only other bisexual women. Perhaps I should only date bi-men and no more straight men."
Even Lesbians Fear the Bi-Word
Malinda Lo, contributing writer for Afterellen.com, explains the lesbian fear of bi-women: "?identifying as bisexual carries a particular stigma among lesbians: the fear that you could "switch sides" at any point, thus abandoning your lesbian lover for The Man. Consequently, bisexual women often feel unwelcome in both heterosexual and lesbian communities."
Feeling unwelcome is usually the most frustrating reality about being bisexual. A long history of heterosexual discrimination against bisexuals is no surprise, but how hypocritical and sad is it that bisexuals have not found complete acceptance within the gay community? My bi friend Peter told me that gay men have usually assumed his bisexuality was just a transitional phase to homosexuality. However, he believes that it has always been much more socially acceptable for women to be bisexual than men.
A recent report released from the Centers for Disease Control found that more young women are experimenting with bisexuality or at least reporting same-sex encounters. Fourteen percent of women in their late teens and twenties have had at least one same-sex experience, compared to only 6 percent of men. It is unclear why the figure for men was lower, but it probably has to do with the fact that women are traditionally praised for their emotional expression, while men are judged by what they produce.
It may have something to do with safety-that there is no pregnancy and a lower risk of disease transference between girls. And it probably has a lot to do with the rise of bisexuality in the media and that more heterosexuals are turned on by lesbian sex than gay male sex.
There is no denying the female bisexual mystique. Garbo, Dietrich, Angelina Jolie, even the sex columnist known only as "the Libertine." But beyond the mystique, there is isolation. Just because I'm a libertine doesn't mean all bisexuals are libertines. And just because I'm a libertine today doesn't mean I can't be monogamous tomorrow. Maybe we all have our fences of barbed wire and pink roses, no matter whom we choose to sleep with.